Closing the Door
Los Angeles, California—April 13, 2009
I get a lot of phone calls from people looking for help for their loved ones who are struggling with a drug or alcohol problem. These families are definitely dealing with a life threatening crisis but the question that often comes to mind is how can seemingly rational people be so blinded by the obvious truth when it comes to dealing with family members and friends who are in the throes of their addiction?
Why do they keep putting up with the behavior, lies and wreckage that the alcoholic brings upon the family when they know in their hearts that what they’re doing is just prolonging the insanity. They need to get the addict into recovery. What’s even more bizarre is that usually this behavior has been going on for years. So what’s the deal? Enabling, control, co-dependency, denial?
Why do people have such a hard time seeing the truth for what it is. It’s obvious that the “I can fix this” mentality of parents and loved one’s of the addict isn’t working. If it was, they wouldn’t still be living with this problem. It would have been “fixed” by now. So what are they waiting for? “They need to close the door” says Moe G., Intake Coordinator of Liberty House, a structured sober living home located in Los Angeles, California.
“When I tell family members that they need to shut the door on the addict they all say the same thing,” 'I know, I know.' Yet when I ask them if the addict is still living with them, the answer is invariably yes.
“Why?” I ask. “I can’t just throw them out on the street.” They respond horrified. “Oh yes you can,” I tell them. “But with love.” Parents need to make it absolutely clear that they will support their loved one in recovery only otherwise they can’t stay in their house, period. Remember you make the rules not the addict. What usually happens is that the addict, faced with the realization that the game is up, and they can no longer manipulate the situation will be forced to make a decision. Either to go into a recovery home or hit the streets. But the families cannot leave the door open even just a little bit. As long as the door is kept closed and the addict knows they have absolutely no wiggle room, there’s hope for them to make a decision to get sober.
“They’ll probably kick and scream and throw a temper tantrum to try and get their way but the family must be united in this decision. Because if the addict has an out, a family member or a friend that they can manipulate into staying with them, they’ll use it.” Says Moe. “I know I did.”
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